My New Life.

You are probably thinking something good happened, and in a way something good did happen. But let me start from where i left off. A few days after my mother read what I wrote I went to the hospital to get evaluated and things like that for depression. We went through a lot that month after I went there and somethings were good and others weren't.

Me and Meghan didn't see eachother much which made me even more depressed. But towards the end of the summer we started hanging out. It was amazing, just being with her made me happier. We went to Peggotty beach a few times, which was also amazing because it would be around sunset which was kind of romantic. We stopped going there and we went to Emily Gill's house once, which was an amazing day, atleast I think so. Another few times we hung out after she got out of school, we did more talking than anything then. The last few times I saw her when we were together were down at the Scituate Harbor. The last weekend I went with Emily Gill to see her with Hannah Bradley, we didn't really do much, just sat, talked, made out, and walked around. The last day we were together was at the Harbor also, I went alone and she went with Kayla Dockendorff. 

That was the last time we were together, the last day we were together. About an hour after I saw her she broke up with me. It was hard for me to handle since I love her so much, but eventually I got myself to think we'd be together again. I was wrong. 2 Days later she started going out with someone else which was hard because I knew that person and I didn't like how they were dating, especially since it was only a few days after she ended our 6 month relationship.

That night, I started cutting again. By the end of the night my arm was covered with cuts, and some on my leg. I didn't think much of it untill I got into school the next day and got called to the office. Someone had seen the cuts and told a teacher about them and I had to go see another person to talk about it with. The week passed slowly, atleast I thought it did. My mother found out about me cutting and she is now sending me to someone to talk to. 

There are other things that have happened since I last talked to you, but thats another story, for another time. I just needed to tell you that things werent going as well as they could be. I've quite cutting but got into smoking, which is another bad habit. 

And this is where I shall end my little entry because you are probably tired of reading my life story. All I want to say is, dont give up everything for the person you think you'll spend the rest of your life with, because I did and I lost almost everything.

Hate The Kid Your Going To Date.

Alright, I seriously wouldnt go out with someone that my bestfriend hates. Like really? I told her stories about this kid and the things that hes called me or said to me. Its getting me really mad that she likes him, I know I cant do anything about it. All I want is for her to be happy, and I think she will. I dont know why Im getting so worked up about it, maybe its because I've been away from my family for like 4 days or maybe its becuase I've been away from the person I'm dating. But all I know is I dont want her to get hurt. I love her like a sister, and the last thing I want to see is her getting hurt. Thats all I have to say.

- All My Love For You Is Gone

Her.

As I've said in my notebook about how if she ever died I couldn't live my life. It said (from what I sent her) "seeing her lifeless cold body as pale as anything in the coffin makes me wanna cry. six feet below me, thinking on how much i'd miss her and what would be a way to kill myself after i say my good byes." Thinking back on what I sent her, all of its true. Just the way I love to be with her, the way she smiles, or from what I sent her, "ill miss the way she calls me a nerd when i put on my glasses, or the way her hand is rapped around mine. little things that make her so amazing, so beautiful. i never felt this way, its a good feeling, i dont feel alone anymore." I don't think that anything could descride the way i love her, shes my everything. Shes so pretty, I love her laugh, her smile and everything about her. When she tells me something bad, it makes me want to cry. When I'm around her I can hardly breathe, my heart beats so fast that I think it stops beating. I hope she feels the same way about me. Im going to end this with one more sentence, I love her forever and always I will be there for her whenever she needs me. <3

Attention Whore.

I hate that expression. You say I am but really your only making me say these things because you say shit that makes me say it. Oh, you only want attention. No, I dont want attention. I want to be a normal person, how about you quit complaining about how your ex broke up with you and move on. It was you're fault anyways. Atleast when I make a mistake I take blame, I dont blame it on my friends. Get over yourself. 

- All My Love For You Is Gone.

Concert.?

I went to see Escape  The Fate, Black Tide, William Controle, and Attack Attack on feb. 22. It was really fun and shit. So anyways, I got to see Max Green<3>

Then we actually went to see the people play, and thats where we bumped into Josh and Ryan. I guess you could say we'r all friends now, we talk a lot. But that isnt why I mentioned them, I was mostly talking to Josh because he was closer to me and all that jazz. Hes really nice, so is Ryan.... But like I dont know, so anyways I added them on facebook and we talk almost every day. Well I talk to Ryan almost everyday anyways. 

Him.

Ok, well theres this kid right? And I like him a lot. Like 3 years I've liked him for. I've seen him before i finally found out his name but I never thought of him as someone I'd like. Then I saw him at Camp Bourndale, and I coulnt sleep the first night because I couldnt stop thinking about him. I've told him that I like him but he just doesnt get it, hes not like other guys. Hes more calm and shy, thats what I like in a guy. He has longish brownish hair with like green/blue eyes(I think), hes a bit taller than I, and he plays sports. Other than me knowing that, you can tell by the way guys walk if they play sports or not. Then he has the greatest smile I have ever seen. I dont know why but Im deffinitally inlove with his smile, his look and his attitude. I dont know what could be better than him, other than like Max Green. But hes 23=/, and this other kid who I will call Shea is 13, I think. But the point of this entry is to say that I dont know what to do anymore, I've changed so much for him its not even funny. Im more sad than I was before I meet him 3 years ago. Thanks for reading.

Awkward.

Ok, well theres this kid rite? And hes kind of like inlove with me, atleast he acts it. So, you know about Shea right? I hope you do, I'll write one about him in a few. But anyways, hes all like "if things dont work out.." and I'm like either way, I'd never date you. I mean like hes nice and all but hes my bestfriends ex, I dont go that way. I wish that he never said a word to me, and then what makes it worse is that hes bestfriends with one of my ex's. Im like uh no, Im not going to date you. But I havnt told him that yet, haha sorry if your reading this. But anyways, so I was like talking to him a while ago, and I was going along what he was saying, then his MOM is like "I think you both should sign off" and Im like shit, screw this. So I thought that was my chance to never talk to him again, since I hate telling kids I dont like them. So then he starts talking to me again and Im like oh shit kid come on, he hasnt noticed that I dont like him yet. Now Im doing shit like saying I love rap, which I do but sometimes but like not all the time. But sometimes this kid can really piss me off, and its getting annoying. I hate to tell him but he has no chance, hes really not my type. I mean like seriously, hes like a pyro... Not my type, unless he was like mad hot, but he isnt. Hes into metal, I am too but I dont hate rap and all that jazz. Its kind of annoying that he doesnt really like my music and hes a creep too. He rode his bike outside of my friends house for 4 hours waiting for her to get home, if thats not creepy then what is. I dont want to go out with someone if their going to be like that. Sorry, I know your reading this. Sucks for you.

Friends?

Ok well i dont get my friends sometimes. They pretend to be friends with someone but turn around and talk about them behind their backs, its pathetic. I dont even think we'r all friends at all, just people that are wondering in the same path, calling eachother and talking to eachother. Whats become of this, must stop. Either we go our seprate ways or someone will get hurt, most likely to be me. Im the skinniest and I've had the most boyfriends in the "group". Theres this one girl, Katie*, shes always complainning about something. Either its her bf, or something "bad" thats happening at home. But never about shit that people actually care about. I really dont care about how your boyfriend just called you, or how you want to break up with him because it sounds all the same to me. Sitting at the end of my bed with my dog, as she sleeps in my bed uninvited. I feel like somethings are never going to change with her. She thinks shes the bitch by taking my shit and running with it, its like no actually u just took my iPod and gave it to someone else. Because thats so fucking cool, I'd love to take your phone and snap it in half. But nope, thats not going to happen. Because of you, my life is 10 times worse, your like my parents, I WAS preppy and pretty, but ever since the things that they do, I've became who I am today.

Birthday.

Today was my birthday, not very exciting nor too boring. I've had my expectations set on what it was going to be like today, but things didnt go as I hoped. I didnt think some girl would make me cry and I'd freak out when I saw the gun for my ear piercing. And there was no fighting, which is amazing considering that my family doesnt stop fighting.

-All My Love For You Is Gone

Life.

So many things are runnning through my head right now. And life is one of them, I kind of figured life would be like this, but its so hard. Things arent the way I immagined things would be like. I thought I'd be more mellow and more friendly. If I change would thing get better? Because all I feel that is going on in my life is people pushing me around thining they can do what they want. And sooner or later I'm just gunna scream in their face and walk away. Its not the first time I would freak out at someone either.

Listen to my Kelsey story. I was sitting in art and she starts making fun of me. Saying that I have no boobs and Im a ginger. It wasnt the first time that she made fun of me and I was done with the bullshit I got from her. So I yelled at her and earlier she almost made me cry. She then yelled at me and I ran out of the room crying. I hated it and maybe since I stuck up for myself that since then she really hasnt talked to me. I like it.

School in general is going better, my grades are getting higher and my friendship with people are ok. Things arent the same as they were in Jenkins. I got boyfriends, and I got problems with people and with myself. Last year after my boyfriend broke up with me I stopped eating at school. I didnt think it was a big deal untill my friends who care about me told the nurse and I had to talk about it. After that I didnt tell anyone when I was eating or not. I then got better and more healthy, and I got heavier. I am now 107 pounds. I feel better about myself and dont find many things wrong with myself.

Like You.

I'm not like every girl. My hair isnt always perfect. I dont have the greates body, and my thighs arent skinny or very thin. Im never on a diet, but not over weight, I'm actually underweight.

Im not always mommys little girl, I love the color black and wear it as much as i can. I want my lip pierced and I have my cartliage pierced. I'm getting my nosee pierced when i turn 15. I hate the phrase "yeeeee kiiiiid". I got told today that I shouldnt "ruin my perfect body" with all the piercings i want. I dont exactly think i have a perfect body, nor anywhere colse to perfect.

I consider myself a pretty normal person. Im quiet and shy and try not to get in peoples way. I try not to stand out but the color of my hair makes it hard. Im not one of those girls that wear all pink and I dont wear shorts or skirts that often, only on special occasions. Im more like I wear black, studded belts and skinny jeans. I dont wear "pretty pink" jewlery. Actually right now im wear a shit load of braclets and black tape along my left wrist. I dont suppose that you might comment on "its covering up you cuts" cuz thats my brothers theory.

I dont sit with girls at lunch, all though i could. I sit at an all boy table. Im told that i make the table complete, I make the most sad moments happiest. I dont exactly get what they are talking about but I decide not to tell them that. I hate when a girl comes over to flirt with one of them, its like do you not see me here. Cuz apperently I'm invisable, I got this whole table under my comand so back the fuck off. Flirt with them some other time cuz I'm done with you.

-All My Love For You Is Gone